We are being invaded. Aliens terrorists from another plant have landed on our precious soil and are hurting fellow Americans. The only way to describe these aliens terrorists is that they look, act, feel, and most importantly taste like our earth crabs. The crab-looking aliens are nearly invincible due to their hard shells and regenerative powers. Bullets ricochet off of them. Tanks are torn in two by their sharp claws. When our brave soldiers manage to injure them, their regenerative powers are so quick that they simply grow another body part and continue to destroy all humans.
They do have one weakness: HUMAN DIGESTIVE ENZYMES
That's right, the enzymes in your stomach. In other words my fellow patriot, we must ingest and digest these "crabs" to ensure the future of our fine country (and to a lesser extent, the future of the planet our fine country sits on).
We have found one way to stun the aliens and that is to boil them in water, slather them with marinade, and place them next to pasta and salad. The scent of the pasta and marinade decreases their immune system, while the salad...well the salad is a good complement to their tasty bodies. Nevertheless, we need you fellow patriot to utilize your digestive enzymes to kill all aliens.
So here's the plan: On Friday March 30th I will invite all the aliens to a "kill all humans" party at the Stockton Ballroom Kitchen (9650 Thornton Road, Stockton, Ca). Once there, I will get them drunk and convince them to hang out in the "hot tub". Once the evil crabs are stunned, I will place marinade on them and cook the pasta and salad.
That's when you come in my future hero. Around 6 o clock when they are fully hibernating, you must arrive and kill as many aliens with your digestive juices as you possibly can. I can't do it alone. There are hundreds of them.
Oh, by the way, the "kill all humans" party that we're throwing to get the crabs to the kill zone is kinda pricy so to pay for it, I'll need like $45 bucks in advance. But that's a small price to pay for freedom.
So what do you say my future patriot? Are you with me?
I pray this reaches you in time.
Godspeed,
Dan
P.S. Yes this is a shameless plug on my baby blog for the United Cerebral Palsy Crab Feed.
Friday, March 30th at the Stockton Ballroom. For tickets call (209) 956-0290.
The way I see it is that you either pay the 45 bucks, or the alien terrorists win.
