Parents and the Internet: what can go wrong?

I’m now back at work so that means I’m spending less time with the baby and more time with my other baby: the internet.

And I’m on the internet more, not because I have more time on my hands when I’m at work, but rather I now have the use of both hands to log-on to my computer. You try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete while holding a baby.

To be honest, if it weren’t for the internet, I would be the worst parent ever; which ironically is something a bad parent would say. I totally have Adult ADHD so reading a baby book is like, well, reading a text book about babies. But for me, searching for baby advice on the internet is akin to solving a puzzle or playing a video game. So when Carrie asks, “why can’t we feed our newborn red meat?” I’m like, “I’m on it!”

What’s funny is I imagine this visual that I look like Hugh Jackman in Swordfish, drinking wine, dancing to cool techno jazz music while “hacking” into the internet for Carrie’s answer. I’m all typing fast on my keyboard, getting red blinking “ACCESS DENIED” screens and yelling out random words like “cypher” and “hydra”. When I finally get the answer I hump the air and pump my fists and slowly turn to Carrie and calmly say, “you can’t feed her a steak sandwich because {insert random answer that contradicts everything else you have ever heard}”, I follow up by saying, “you can thank the ‘hydra’ for that one. Oh, by the way, I'm out of the hacking game"

But seriously, one of my new favorite pastimes is lurking on mommy message boards like babycenter.com and mothering.com.

Although, one question about the mommy-baby internet message boards: how many f-ing initialisms can a group of sheltering suburban mothers come up with? Every other word is an acronym. I mean, reading the forums is like trying to decode a pre-teen’s text messages. Like last time I check the forums on mothering.com, the title of one of the posts, I sh-t you not, was

“I completely AP my DD (16 m/o). MIL let LO CIO!!! What do I do now?!!”

Translation: I raise my 16 month old daughter under the Attached Parenting philosophy. My mother in law lets my baby “Cry it Out” (which is totally counter to the AP). I know exactly what your advice will be and I am looking to a faceless message board for moral support so I can drum up the courage to confront my mother in law. (or something like that)

But to be fair, the majority of people on the boards (including myself) are truly just looking for advice and most of the time they get some good support. For example a good portion of folks on the forums fall into the category of:

Reasonable concerned parents
“Does anyone use a Boppy to prop a baby up while napping? A lot of my friends do it, even though the packaging says not to. We tried it (under close supervision) and it worked wonders in getting our LO (little one) to relax. Just wanted to hear some additional opinions”.

A well thought out, concise post. Thank you Reasonable Concerned Parent. I award you 10 imaginary internet karma points.

But what I actually love is reading through the bad advice. The other half of the forums fall under the next three categories:

Cheerleaders
“Babies love the Boppy!!!!! We use it to prop the LO while my DS takes a nap!! It allows my SO and I to go shopping, watch a movie, and, more importantly, SNUGGLE!!!!! All my GFs do it, so don’t for one second feel any doubt in using the B!!!! You are a strong hard working momma and I applauded you!!! You go, life giver!!!!”

I guess this is what sleep deprivation, microwavable food, and limited adult interaction does to people.

Buzzkills
“I have three friends who know babies that have died using the Boppy in that way. If you and your SO care for your child, then you will burn it. It’s the least that any loving parent would do”.

The Buzzkill’s message history: posts about the “right way” to parent, pleas for others to be decent parents, and product recalls. The world needs buzzkills; just not so many of them.

Braggers (aka: liars)
“regarding the Boppy, does anyone else have the problem of their little one perfectly latching onto the breast, eating without interruption, and then sleeping through the night? I’m just afraid that my child is eating too easily and getting waayy to much sleep”.

I like to imagine that in some alternate universe you can punch people in the face through your laptop screen.